Monday, May 08, 2006

CBS News hires Moussaoui

(05-08-2006) CBS News today announced plans for convicted terror conspirator Zacarias Moussaoui to take the place of Dan Rather as anchor of their evening news. It was unclear when Moussaoui, who "defeated" America by being sentenced to spend the rest of his life in a concrete room instead of dying by lethal injection, would be available to perform his anchor duties.

CBS President Arnold Harbinger said, "Mr. Moussaoui is an ideal replacement for Dan Rather because the two share many common interests, viewpoints, ideologies, and delusions of self-importance. Both exhibit the zeal to advance these viewpoints, using unconventional methods when necessary. Mr. Moussaoui's improvised identification documents prove that he is up to the high standard set by Dan Rather. And we believe that Mr. Moussaoui will bring depth and balance to our news desk. The 'wave the white flag, cut and run, appease the terrorists' crowd is already well represented, and CBS is a bit thin in the 'kill Americans and destroy the Zionist Satan' department."

In related news, an audio tape has surfaced in which Osama Bin Laden can be heard, speaking from his subterranean headquarters, expressing gratitude to America for sparing the life of Moussaoui, and repealing the murder of 3,000 Americans on 9/11 as a token of his new appreciation for the American justice system.

No comments: