The Sky is Falling!

(09-21-2005) The earth is on the brink of a cataclysm unlike any ever seen before, and humans are the cause of it.

When people walk, jump, or run, they push on the earth.

In the daytime, people tend to walk, jump, and run more than at night. Therefore, there is an imbalance in the force that people exert on the earth. We push more on the side towards the sun than the side away from the sun. Therefore, we are pushing the earth away from the sun. Wealthy capitalist countries contribute 50% more thrust than underdeveloped countries, so America is the leading culprit in this looming crisis.

I have undertaken significant scientific study to verify that human ambulation is indeed pushing the earth into a larger orbit. I created a computer model which simulates the effect. The computer model, running on a very powerful supercomputer, indicates that by the year 2025, the earth will be 120 million miles further from the sun than it is today. Precise measurements of the distance from the earth to the sun found that today the earth is 3 million miles further from the sun than it was six months ago. Extrapolating this finding for 20 years indicates that by 2025, the earth will be 215 million miles from the sun. Increasing the earth's distance from the sun from 98 million miles to 215 million miles will cause the amount of sunlight received by the earth to be reduced by 79%, plunging the earth into a deep ice age from which it will never recover. The surface temperature will drop to fifty degrees below zero Fahrenheit. All water on the surface of the planet will freeze, including the oceans. All plants will die, and animal life including humans will soon either freeze to death or starve.

I propose the following steps be taken to avert disaster. First, because economic activity is behind much of the daytime ambulation, send money to support left-wing anti-capitalist groups and politicians, such as Earth First, The Sierra Club, The New York Times, Save Our Wetlands, CBS, and the DNC. Second, we must immediately create an international treaty which rations daytime walking in capitalist countries so that it equals nighttime walking. Third, Americans must be forbidden from wearing shoes, as the extra springiness in the soles of shoes increases the thrust of walking. Finally, a walking tax must be levied on American companies to pay for the impact of their employees walking.

If we don't immediately act on these recommendations, life as we know it will be obliterated.