Quarterly report

My brilliantly conceived business plan to match Exxon's $14 billion profit by selling bumper stickers on Zazzle.com is off to a slow start.

At 40 cents profit per bumper sticker, I need to sell 35 billion bumper stickers to catch up to Exxon. This means that every man, woman, and child on the planet must buy five.

Unfortunately, Exxon has a significant head start and a better developed base of customers. As of Monday September 8, I have sold 4 bumper stickers, generating $1.60 in revenue.

Some analysts have suggested that I have undermined my market by giving away more bumper stickers than I have sold, but I look at the practice as viral marketing, which in the long run is sure to result in more sales through word of mouth.

Others have questioned my strategy based on the observation that the Obama bin Biden ticket is due to be relegated to the ash-heap of history in roughly 56 days, leaving me a very short window of opportunity to reach my goal.

I address all of these very valid concerns with one response: diversification. Instead of just the one bumper sticker, you can now find t-shirts, various color schemes, and a few other designs. There are sure to be five items to appeal to every human on the planet. I hope Zazzle has the capacity to handle the coming flood of orders!