Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Guide for Bitter Voters

Democrats in rural Pennsylvania, still bitter about the state of the economy, will receive helpful voters’ guides today, published by Obama for America, with tips on how to cast a primary ballot while clinging to a Bible, a gun or both.

“We don’t want anything to stand in the way of your desire to vote for change,” according to the pamphlet distributed at polling places by Obama volunteers. “With a little planning, and flexibility you can cling to your firearm and the Word of God, and still operate a Diebold touchscreen voting machine. Do make an effort to maintain proper trigger discipline.”

Here’s an excerpt from the tract entitled Barack Obama’s Ballot Primer for Bitter Voters:

Rifle or Shotgun Voting Position
Tuck the Bible under your right arm. Use your right hand grip the stock of your shootin’ iron just behind the trigger guard. If you have difficulty supporting the weight of the weapon, rest the upward-pointing barrel on the top edge of the voting machine. This leaves your left hand free for voting, while keeping your trigger finger ready to harvest any wild game that might appear.

Concealed Handgun Voting Position
Slip your dominant hand up under your loose-fitting outer garment, insert the thumb between your body and the grip of your concealed pistol and rest the heel of your hand on the backstrap, keeping your trigger finger in index position alongside the frame of the weapon. Grip the Bible between your chin and collar bone, and vote with your weak side hand.

Muzzle-Loader Position
Let’s face it, you’re going to need two hands free in case you need to reload. So, hold the weapon in the standard rifle-voting position, but grip the Bible between your knees.

No comments: